Chapter 18

sometimes the light Sometime the understanding Travels into the realms of the unknown All we can do is hope search dream Because we will never find. Sometimes the light is not enough.

like daggers I can’t think of anything else. like daggers speeding slicing the air the thoughts race through my mind. I can’t help but think of his stunning eyes his sensitive touch my weakness. How he’s torn my life in two.

you once so confidently I found you at the pool hall with your excuses for friends taking a drag from your filtered cigarette I don’t even think you inhaled I hurled my anger at you the flames from my eyes struck you but your sculpted hair wasn’t even singed and you remained as cool as you imagined yourself to be and as I turned away and stormed toward the swinging door the deafening silence was broken by a feeble cough I looked back and saw you and immobile emotionless statue with beads of sweat running down your forehead as I cocked my head I closed my eyes and the flames I once hurled were extinguished as quickly as the cigarette you once so confidently smoked

sobering I must admit that there’s a definite proportion with how good you look and how much alcohol I’ve consumed yes you are important to me too important and I think that scares me for I don’t care what you say but the only person I can lean on is myself and I don’t want to frighten you with my coldness but I’ve been hurt too many times before and I’m sure as Hell gonna try to stop it from happening again I’ve had to realize that you can’t be my crutch yes I do care about you too much it is unhealthy for when we go our separate ways and I know we will it will kill me I know that you love me and I know that you want to protect me but I need to know if there are other people who care for me as well I am not an animal in a cage and I have a life to lead I know I’m being cold but it’s what I have to do call it a defense mechanism call it sobering up

robert I stand in a room full of strangers leaning against a wall a wallflower but I was content with knowing no one with knowing you beer glass in hand you introduce me to the vast assortment of drunken fools you call your friends and I stand there merely happy to be by your side a stranger intoxicated to the point of being comatose tells me I’m pretty but I really don’t care because I have you you are all I need as the rest of the party imbibes to no end and you take yourself down the road to oblivion I stay leaning leaning against the wall and I watch you sing a song with your buddies laugh at the stupidest jokes eat dog food and I keep thinking that this was all I needed to be happy you seemed to be all that mattered in the world to me how was I to know that I was leaning against the wall because you gave me no support

Write It Again I sat there in the shade a took a stuck I wrote you name in the ground preacher says the number one sin is lust than I am condemned to Hell for I want you and I don?t care what preacher says for if the elements wash away you name tonight I will be back tomorrow to write it again.

irony The wretched irony becomes apparent. You twitch and climb through the entangling web crawl through the intricate maze to learn that you will never reach the end but a terrifying minotaur only the center the heart where the most horrifying evil preys the towering walls grow arms an infinite sum of groping overpowering arms there is nowhere to run and hide as the walls stretch taller touching the sky they creak and move closer while the arms reach and pull you the tentacles grab you and try to destroy you the sky turns a deep dark black an infinite black there is no hope the solid ground begins to melt as the blades of grass become sharpened knives cutting slicing the treacherous teeth of the animal below suck you down and consume you there is nowhere to go but forward as you write in agony go forward forward with the only hope that soon the monstrous insidious nightmare the desperation the pain will end

religion "We do expect you to marry someone who shares in your beliefs," the man groaned as he looked at you and said, "and that means you too, Joe." But tell me this: when you look into my eyes, do you want to look away?

nights If I have to - I’ll put on the mask I’ll play the game the facade Oh, I’ll do it - I’ll go through the motions I’ll live with the lies the fantasy world. Just to spend my nights with you.

the nightmare The chain lock snapped as the voices poured out that filled my brain with death. the bespattered remains of what could be called my inflated ego clung to the curtains that were stained with rain and dripped from the bed sheets onto the champagne stained carpet. I only wanted to surprise you as my tears dripped down ice and my screams were only blocked by a blank stare. I never like that carpet anyway.

john at the other side of the room I look through the cigarette smoke the roar of conversation and the dim lights I look at his face but I no longer see John I have dreamt and envisioned a God-like figure I have imagines his sensitivity and his thoughtfulness I have felt his hands caress my skin his lips meet mine he has held me one thousand times and protected me I have rehearsed our moments together in my mind the moments I have created the candlelight dinners the dancing the loving while never knowing him more than across a crowded room the music blares as I look over my shoulder between the empty faces and see his image laughing smiling conversing with friends my eyes flare with envy I wonder why he is not with me but I know the face across the room is no longer John it is a door to a dream that will never come to life

touch the lust her lips quiver anxiously she wants desperately the craving the longing the yearning is no longer contained His eyes fixed in a trance-like gaze the erotic fantasies the passion the obsession his burning torrid appetite is released Her heart quickens as her breath becomes a pant sensual sexual she is ravenous with need His hand moves his anticipation climaxes salacious lecherous his muscles tense with excitement the cyprian lurid desires the heat the fire they cannot hold back he touches her

the Hand the Hand the unknown Hand i’m frightened trembling shaking i move toward it the Hand the mystery entangles me spins my mind curiosity attraction undying i move closer shivering afraid i need the love i feel the lust the Hand i fear but i must know i need to learn the pain the cry i scream i need i want i take a step emotion i’m wild i’m no longer human i need i want the Hand it reaches out for mine.

love poem You are the air I breathe. you enwrap me you consume me your words your eyes tear through me Life is not I, but we. I want you here tonight. I won’t fight it I can’t hide it there’s nothing to subside it I know that this is right. I can’t wait for the time please just hold me please just kiss me please just tell me that you’ll miss me When I can say you’re mine.

rendering me the heat the fire burning my skin red hot stripping me rendering me defenseless

the tears the tears burn like fire streaming down my face i feel the heat the tears cut like knives tearing up my skin i feel the pain the tears they hurt me so much they kill me but i have no choice

oh mother perspiration muscles tense bring it all in to the ground resistance fight the senses keep control as the energy slowly escapes from the pores of your body anxiety frustration you can’t run away you can’t escape the pressure the conflict breath quickening heart beating faster and faster shake and shiver the trauma too great the exhaustion you can’t give in but you must so you collapse at the stress and let the shovels throw the dirt over your head

this may sound I don’t know this may sound silly but every night just before I’m about to sleep I think of you and when I turn out the light and crawl into my empty bed a piece of me feels missing I don’t know what it is but I feel a hole right about where my heart is when I have to lay there night after night all alone when I am with you I feel as if I am complete I feel as if nothing in the world matters when you’re holding my hand with your heart near me then I can sleep and then I fall into my empty bed and I feel the hole again burning through my heart and I wish I didn’t feel so alone and I wish the hole would just go away

there I sit there I sit I sit alone separated isolated away from my only love my obsession I pull out a fountain pen I look at the lines the contours of his face defining the piercing eyes the pointed nose the tender lips I feverishly draw I sketch I capture his image I stare I gaze I memorize his every detail but he never looks back so I will draw until my fountain pen runs dry

How could I not love you In hysterics, we danced as we crashed the Chinese New Year’s Ball. You taught me how to waltz. Blushing, I listened to your best friend ask me if you were opening up sexually. I told him there was no problem. I remember when we filled the prophecy of your horoscope by sharing champagne at the fireplace at the end of the week. We even toasted marshmallows. Nervous, I stood in the amphitheater and serenaded you. I’m sure I sang off key, but you said you loved my voice. You gave me a long-stemmed rose when you made me dinner, when we went downtown, when you came back from church. I kept those roses. Teeth chattering, we sat on a tire and kissed at the playground at midnight. It was bitter cold, but I didn’t care. The thought of you puts a sparkle in my eye and I can’t help but smile whenever I see you. How could I not love you?

ice cubes I wondered if you’d have the patience to wait for the ice cubes to melt in time they will as you sat next to me head hanging down you swirled your cocktail glass the ice cubes crashed with one another and beads of sweat dripped from the rim all I could do was sit there shoulders back eyes fixed in the wall I’m sorry Did I give you too many ice cubes you asked for them

When I Am Weak There are many times when I am weak My poor legs can no longer endure I start to fall I search for something to hold on to and usually I find something to lean on until I am no longer weak But there are times when there is nothing for me to grab on to I feel lost I continue to fall But then I see you You extend your arm and uncurl your fingers You reach out to me and give me support You help me becone strong again

I Cannot Love my eyes no longer see I close them my hands are numb I no longer feel my heart is cold I cannot love