In, But Not

screaming crowds screaming Thousands thousands standing cheering screaming waving banners, person silent between roaring grey shirt overzealous care sat wondering why

backbone family act I tried you actress part you cared damn you feelings emotions daughter nothing motions think family flash backs kill forget told long cry leave closing more part worry filled backbone family act

door frame doorbell hour magazine door man suit hallway briefcase worn flashed tired smile almost genuine. rambled what wanted selling head dizzy confusing words nonsense sense heard listen door frame steady thoughts down stopped do ask ideology poison

morning I’m alone no one interrupts my senses The food is bad It is loud in here silverware clashing into the washbin by the conveyor belt chaos disarray something is doing something wrong unsettling You can hear it pour rain falling A light rain marbles falling mumblings of a crowd cracking lighter, and quieter The metal clangs a loud echo

motions on the planet I don’t let anybody in to see me to be a real part of my life I talk to people I get close to people the only person that I can count on is me I just need something that I can count on what can I really lean on what will never let me down what will never desert me nobody lives on this planet people go through the motions people are too afraid to open themselves up and they never get the chance to really live I don’t want to go through the motions I want to live but I’m afraid if I don’t break out of my shell I won’t see what the rest of the world is like I wonder if I really want to know

senses dry compressed powder a factory how temporary it is It’s destroyed reused a wheat field after a rainstorm wet paper

without religion God doesn’t make sense there are other, more rational, possibilities prove to me to make me believe be provable morals, virtues, values are not based on religion people see no consequence to being “good” unless the consequence is a God people are afraid to face death people really don’t want to believe death is an end it is an end you simply cease to exist people claim to have beliefs but don’t live by them they’re not beliefs they lack a belief system they understand God is your answer to all of your questions not the right answer but an answer “But God loves you” If love is unconditional there is no value in it it is not earned, it is not chosen it is not a value, it possesses no worth Gods have been created by people throughout the ages to answer the unanswerable rain gods explained the weather people created gods for harvests gods reflected the stars and planets God explained how the world began how to live well what will happen after our lives end gods reflected the image of man and earth but they were all created take responsibility and credit for what you do joy comes from within you can’t find joy from within so you find it in your God for great minds to prosper they have to follow reason I do what I set my mind to I use the best tools I have my mind I succeed I accomplish my goals knowing that believing in my abilities gives me the drive makes me truly happy it is my mind my mind, my abilities, my power not some God that makes my life complete I have complete dominion over my life I’m the one I answer to I fill my own void without religion I am whole

anyone good enough< i used to think that i was no good that i was worthless that i meant nothing and then i got a good job and then i got me a ton of money and then i looked in the mirror and i realized i was gorgeous and people laughed at my jokes and people thought i was talented and strong and now i look around me and i can’t find anyone good enough and i wonder if i expect too much but i know for a fact that i deserve more

before i learned better you’d think that the people that are most like you are perfect for you but if you find someone like that and you’re dating someone like that you’ll see that they now have the same faults as you do except their faults seem so much worse and you want to kill them for the faults you have and you want to crack their head open and see their brains flowing out in the street yeah, i know your mood swings, your hatred your love of life and truth and fairness and art and your anger are all as strong as mine but i’m still going to be hard on you i’m still going to be hard on you for being me before i learned better

burn through me now that i’ve seen you I don’t even care if you’re with her because now that I’ve seen you I know you don’t love her and I know it for a fact because you look at me and burn through me the way we did at the start and if after so many years we still feel that burn imagine how many years we have together to feel alive

can’t answer that one i have a better job than you i have more talent than you i’ve made more money than you i’m attractive i’m funny i’m kind i’m strong i’m intelligent i’m beautiful and i look at what we had and i wonder why i ever tried and why i ever bothered why did i ever put up with you why did i think i needed you why did i let you make me unhappy with all my talent, with all my brains i still can’t answer that one

chances one: here I am you asked me if you have only so many loves in your life and the answer is yes and it’s not because of fate or religion, or chance but the chances are just so thin that you can find someone that you can love, revere, respect someone that always keeps on moving and someone that makes you feel alive just by listening to the things they say, to the way they think that only happens so often, you know so I guess you do only get so many loves, so if you need one, here I am

chances one: yes, it’s yes you asked me before if there were only so many loves in your life if there are only so many choices for love and I said yes and I know that you think it’s because of fate or god or religion but I know that there are many so many choices to feel that bond that there can be so many people who perfectly fits you who fits life a glove who wants what you want who feels like I feel who dreams what you dream you ask me if there are only so many loves who dream what you dream you ask me if there are only so many loves and the answer is yes oh yes, it’s yes

choices don’t hate yourself for the choices you’ve made just make the right choices

didn’t know what it was i wanted you tonight and i wanted to make sure the world knew that i wanted you and it was only because i knew i wanted something and i didn’t know what it was

I have my dreams I don’t even care if you call me anymore because I have my dreams and they make me happier than you

i must believe i’ve never had regrets before i’ve never had any fears before i’ve never been alone before and now i wonder what i’ve done and now i wonder where you’ve gone and now i wonder if i’m dead are you thinking of me right now? can you feel me sliding under your skin an injection coursing down your vein? i must believe you know i’m here

i’m always the one i’m always the one who has to pick up the pieces all i’ve done is wipe your noses and clean your rooms and now i have to clean up my life and i have no one to help me

infallible i used to think that i would like to get into an accident to be injured, to see who would care about me: to see who would feel bad for not paying me any attention. now i think that if i were to be injured, that a few of you would revel in it, that a few of you would like to spoon- feed me, to take care of me, just to be able to prove to yourselves that i’m not infallible. but sooner or later you’d get bored with it, you’d need someone to take care of you again, and i’d be cast aside. so i’m never going to give you that chance, i’m never going to let my guard down, not even once, no matter how much i may need help from any one of you, because none of you are willing to think that i’m human and have real needs

Kids Can Be Cruel: The Effect of Peers On One’s Full Potential When I was a little child, I was very smart for my age. I was always considered the teacher’s pet, and I always did my homework as soon as I got home from school. I came from a family of all older brothers and sisters, and I constantly heard language that was more advanced than a normal infant would be accustomed to. I read by the age of three. I seemed to have a good ability for math, and my memory retention was above normal. Teachers from my grade wanted me to skip a year of school. I also didn’t have a hard time getting along with others. I was always friendly (at least as far as I can remember), and I enjoyed having fun. However, it seemed as if other children had a hard time getting along with me. I would be picked on a lot because I was smart, and I never understood why - for there were quite a few smart boys in my class as well. I don’t think it was because I was very different from them because I was smarter, for I think I acted like a kid just as much as everyone else. I think other kids didn’t get along with me and picked on me because they didn’t like the fact that I was a girl and I was smart. I could always beat the boys in any academic competition, and it was very easy for me to do so. I think that is why the people that picked on me the most were the boys. I don’t think I acted like a boy, and I don’t think I was any less feminine because I was smart. I never picked fights with these boys, and I was never too aggressive (generally considered a masculine trait). Every day I would receive a series of cut-downs because I was considered smart. Every day I felt these blows, trying to stop me from being what I really wanted to be - what I really could have been. Once I got to high school, I never tried as hard in any of the work I did. I became a procrastinator. More importantly, I noticed a change in the way that I viewed myself - I suddenly became overly conscious of looking and acting like a girl, and not a boy. I’m sure that others go through these changes in opinion, but I don’t think that the reasons are the same. I notice the changes now - there are differences in the way that I keep myself, for example. I make a point to always wear make-up and jewelry. My nails are always manicured - to the point of giving me difficulty in writing this. My hair has been long ever since I left the third grade. I haven’t cut my hair in four years. For the time I spend making myself look “pretty”, I could be doing something more constructive. I could be working harder to achieve my full potential in academics. I can’t help but wonder if I could have been any better if I wasn’t cut down when I was a child for doing something that was particularly masculine. I’m sure I could have. I don’t know why the other kids treated me the way that they did. Maybe it was because the other boys felt threatened by my success. Maybe it was because the other boys thought that I was a girl that didn’t fit into the role that she was supposed to be playing. Maybe something different startled them, and maybe they felt that the only way to cope with that problem was to try to eliminate it. I don’t know what the reasons could be that a society would do that to a person, but those damages can be far too great. I know that the things that have happened to me have had a great impact on my life as it is now. An example: I like to wear mini skirts. I must admit that they’re not particularly comfortable, and I often get annoyed by the stares that I get when I wear them, but I wear them anyway. Why? Because I feel that mini skirts will make me feel more feminine, and if more men notice that I am feminine, I feel better. Then I know that I will never be mistaken for a man again, or made fun of because I carry masculine traits. I find myself often playing the role of a “dumb blonde” around men-- I even find myself talking in a higher voice in an effort to make myself sound more feminine. Once I grew older, I grew taller. Much taller. Five feet and ten inches is very tall for a woman to be - at least by today’s standards in society. This presents itself as another blow to my feminine ego (which is already damaged), and so I think I often feel as if I must overcompensate for these traits that I carry. I slouch more than the average; I try to act meek. When I don’t gain acceptance in a feminine respect, especially after I’ve tried to (for example, when I’ve tried to look pretty and nobody notices the fact that I’ve made this effort to look “sexy”, “cute”, or “womanly”), I feel very dejected. I feel as if I haven’t done what I should have, and I feel like a failure. I feel miserable when I don’t have a boyfriend, for a woman can’t be a woman without a man. All my other female friends can’t understand why I want to have a boyfriend so much. But I know why. Society tells me that I am supposed to be feminine. I am supposed to have a man, and if I don’t I am not a complete woman. I have accepted these notions, for they have been ingrained into my head for all of my life. I have already received blows to my fragile female ego-- I have been made fun of because I was smart (for that was a masculine trait), and I have been made fun of because I was tall. Maybe, because of this society and because of the things that have been said to me, I feel the need to make myself feel feminine. And maybe that’s not right. And maybe, as I gain self-confidence, I will be able to change that and be myself in front of others. Maybe I will yet be able to grow to my full potential. Look in advertisements today. There are women dressed as women in pretty pink dresses. There are men dressed as men-- in gray business suits. Women cook the meals, men go to work. Women are passive and submissive, men are strong and aggressive. Children can see these signs at very early ages. Society - everyone that they know - accepts this and tells them that they should accept this as well. If a child sees something that doesn’t fit into this picture of a model society that everyone has construed for them, it can be considered understandable that the child may grow hostile to it, and want to make fun of it if it is considered something different. Look at the influence that parents have over their child. Many children come from homes where the father works and the mother stays home and takes care of the kids. As soon as the child is born they are thrown into a nursery room with a color scheme that matches the baby’s sex. Girls are given dolls as opposed to trains, they are told to play inside instead of outside and they are appreciated when they act “feminine” instead of “masculine”, and they are cut down when they deviate from society’s norm. Picture books even impact the child’s beliefs: Male and female role models can be found in these books, and they are particularly masculine and feminine. In the picture books What Boys Can Be and What Girls Can Be, children are informed that boys can be firemen, policemen, businessmen. Girls are informed that they can be school teachers, nurses, and - don’t forget - mothers and housewives. The effect these childhood experiences can have on children can have a great impact on them for the rest of their lives. Not only can these things influence a child’s attitudes toward their own sense of self, but it can also have a great influence over the child’s view of others. If another child is acting in a way that seems to go against all that had been taught to that child from everyone and everything else, they may want to act out against that behavior, in a passive, conforming context. The behavior of making fun of someone that has characteristics that are different from that of their assigned sex (according to society) can reaffirm a person’s belief in their own masculinity/femininity. But that’s not the only thing that the action of teasing does. It also has a very negative effect on the person that is being made fun of.

masquerade you asked me to the masquerade and I willingly complied but I’m tired of wearing that dress for the feathers in my costume won’t stop licking my eyes and you cannot see the tears falling behind my cheek - when you see the price they pay I’m sure you’d come and join the masquerade, you say but the price is too high for I don’t want to wear a mask with you, and I would only hope that I don’t have to

no regrets together how else can I explain sometimes I look into your eyes and I see us in rocking chairs on our porch when we are old and gray I see my future and sometimes I see your face and I think you’re a despicable useless defenseless human being and I hate myself for ever loving you and I think I have to stay away from you I have to I used to think that everything would be wonderful for us that we’d have our white picket fences that we’d have no regrets together that we’d love together for always and now I look at my life and wonder what my future holds and wonder what I’m doing with him with us but I want you to understand I want the world to understand that although I’m afraid of my future I have to live in the present I have to feel needed I have to feel loved I have to look for my future somewhere I have to do something even though some nights I dream of him and some nights I dream of you and I don’t have the answers anymore somebody help me oh, somebody help me

only a year you know, it world be easier if someone came along someone new altogether and swept me off my feet someone tall, really tall, and boyishly handsome, and someone with way too much money, and someone who was strong, and romantic someone I shouldn’t even be thinking about, because he doesn’t exist I feel like a character in a novel who sees the protagonist and thinks that they’re just too good and can’t be real I’m the only one that’s real and my biological clock is ticking and I’ve got a year to decide only a year and there’s so much I want to do and there’s so much I want to say and there’s so much I want to feel and all I feel is lost and I’m in a room full of people and all I feel is alone and I’ve only got a year and the seconds are ticking away and I can’t even think of making a decision and I can’t decide how my life should unfold will someone wait for me will anyone wait for me

saving yourself all of that time when you could have been with me you were busy saving yourself with your religion when weren’t you really in actuality saving yourself from your religion by saving yourself from me

shiny new again i’ve always been by your side i’ve always tried to help you when something was wrong i’ve always picked up the pieces and i’ve seen you fall apart and i’ve seen it happen to others, too and i’ve picked up the pieces glued them back together until they were shiny new again and now i feel like it’s happening to me and who is here for me you’re falling apart too how are you supposed to help me

Copyright Janet Kuypers. All rights reserved. No material may be reprinted without express permission.

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