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letter, 4/14/95 three     >Now it’s just sort of a daily refutation of going ahead and cutting my wrists. But I really don’t want to die. The intake dude at the clinic asked today, “Well, are you in immediate trouble? Are you into killing yourself TODAY?” “Well...I have IDEAS about how I might pull it off, and yeah, man, I do feel AWFULLY bad.” But the doctor wasn’t buying it enough to see me before Monday. I guess I should learn to froth at the mouth & pull a razor blade right out at the beginning of the interview. i keep seeing reports that there are going to be more cutbacks saving us from the horrid government waste, and being a taxpayer that manages to sustain myself, I often tend to agree. I think, why can’t they get a job? I’ve done it, why do I have to support them? But then I see you, and I wish there was more I, or the government, could do. I sit here, read letter after letter, wondering if this is the last piece of mail I’ll ever receive from you. Wondering if that doctor ever feels any remorse when she hears that a person she turned away died by their own hand. If anyone feels any remorse. Does it take knowing someone to worry about them? Probably, we americans learn to close ourselves off to everyone we can, to avoid pain. I feel your pain, and I don’t mean that to sound like some bad presidential cliche. I wish there was something I could give. Not medication. Not words. Not even an embrace. A new feeling. A new lease on life. Anything. Copyright Janet Kuypers. All rights reserved. No material may be reprinted without express permission.

Watch this YouTube video live, Mercury Cafe 08/09/08, Chicago

see the entire performance live, Mercury Cafe 08/09/08, Chicago with film from the Internet Archive

Watch the YouTube video Published in her book Close Cover Before Striking, read (for future audio CD release) 06/28/11 live at the Café

See feature-length YouTube video 06/28/11 of her performing her poetry & live Janet Kuypers & John Yotko songs @ Chicago’s the Café

Watch this YouTube video of the intro to the 06/28/11 open mic at the Café in Chicago, plus her Close Cover Before Striking prose & poem